Bleach: Logical edition
by Lord22
Summary: There are many tales of mighty heroes and epic battles in the history of Soul Society. These are the stories of the ones with enough common sense to avoid them.
1. Fake Karakura town

Hi there, this is my first Bleach fanfic, and I am rather proud of it. For those of you who have read my other fics, this one is rather similar to The Virtues of Teleporting {a Warcraft fan fiction I made in about two hours.} in many ways. This one, however is quite a bit longer, as bleach at this point had several different storylines going.

**Fake Karakura: Logical edition.**

There was a terrible, deadly silence as the two armies faced one another down. Arrancar and Soul Reaper, Espada and Captain, Lieutenant and Fraccion. Their hands clutched their swords, ready to draw them on a moments notice from their Commander, and awaited their mortal enemies next move. A chill wind blew through the town, sending dark robes, and white overcoats flowing in it. Sosuke Aizen regarded his enemy, confident of victory, his Chief Servants, Gin and Tosen, behind him.

Head Captain Yamamoto, the oldest Shinigami who had ever lived, gazed upon the three traitors beneath narrowed, old eyes, that nevertheless remained keen as they had been in his youth, though none now lived who could testify to that save him. Finally with one smooth movement, he drew his sword.

"Captains of the Soul Society!" Yammamoto called in his old voice, harsh and authoritative. "If we are to win this battle, Aizen must not be allowed to fight alongside his Espada in battle!" With these words he raised his blade skyward, and it burst into a pure red flame, the heat from which could be felt a mile away.

"Turn all of creation to ashes!" he cried** "Ryujin Jakka!"**

Flames surged forth from his blade, directed by the Head Captains will to surround Aizen, Gin and Tosen in a circle of flaming death, and forcing the three of them to stand closer as they were hidden from view by the inferno. The Espada stepped away, and the Captains eyes widened.

...

Within the circle of flames, Gin Ichimaru glanced at his Lord and Master expectantly. "Well Captain Aizen" he said brightly as he looking at the flames, smiling unnerving as always. "Looks like the head captain doesn't want us involved in the fight."

"Your powers of deduction are truly astounding." stated Tousan dryly, sensing for a weakness.

"It doesn't matter." replied the brown haired Aizen simply, his voice unconcerned. "We will not have to lift a finger to defeat them. They have only delayed the inevitable."

...

Meanwhile outside of the flaming trap, Captain Shunsui Kyroku turned to the Head Captain, and tilted his straw hat absently. "Hey old man Yamamoto." he said, which not even most Captains would dare use with Yammamoto. "Since Aizen can't get past those flames without burning to death, why not just close the flames around him and fry him and the other guys to a crisp."

Yamamoto contemplated the matter for a long moment, considering it's every facet. "Though crudely delivered I see your point." He motioned with his hand the flames began to close in. "Good thinking Shunsui."

"All in a days slacking sir."

...

Meanwhile back inside the inescapable fiery death trap. The three captains noticed the fact that the flames were getting closer, and shifted a bit closer to each other.

Gin looked over at Aizen nervously, his smile fading a bit. "So… I don't suppose you could use the Hogyoku to get rid of these flames. Captain Aizen, because it's getting rather hot in here."

"No, the Hogyoku has yet to fully fuse with me yet," admitted Aizen "so I am not able to match the Head captains power."

"So do you have a backup plan?" asked Tosen.

"I always do." Aizen said confidently as he used Kido to contact Wonderweiss. "Wonderweiss, seal Yamamoto's power now."

Wonderweiss Margara heard his masters call command, and briefly glanced up from where he was sitting over to Yammamoto. "Waaaaah" he said, and with that gem of wisdom stated he turned and resumed trying to catch butterflies.

...

There was silence amongst the three captains. Aizen chuckled nervously. "You know in retrospect, maybe making the only Arrancar capable of giving us a fighting chance against the Head captain completely mentally useless wasn't such a good idea."

"Really, what ever gave you that idea?" said Gin in disgust.

"Guys I don't mean to sound pushy," said Tosen. "but we need a plan?"

"Well, I figure if we start piling defensive kido on now, we can hope to lessen the damage." said Aizen thoughtfully.

"Will that help?" asked Tosne.

"For me, yes, with any luck I should be able to regenerate from any damages I sustain, thanks to the Hogyoku." said Aizen."You, not really, but you might get five more seconds to live."

"What the hell can we do in five extra seconds?" said Gin his trademark smile gone.

"Not much, but you could say some cool last words." replied Aizen.

"How can you be so calm about this?!" asked Tosen in fury. "We're going to die, because you didn't prepare adequate counter measures to a situation that was certain to come up when we encountered Yamamoto! What the hell is wrong with you."

"Nothing. And for one thing, everyone but me is completely expendable." replied Aizen "For another, there is no we, your going to die, I'm not."

"You arrogant son of a-" began Tosen.

"Be quiet Tosen." said Gin, smiling once more "We should be working on our last words."

"But-"

Gins smile grew wider "For example, I've got some really good ones. Wanna hear them Captain Aizen."

"Sure why not." replied Aizen smugly.

"Bankai"

Before Aizen could react a blade had gone into his back. "Kill em, Kamishini no Yari."

...

Second Espada Barragan looked over at the falling charred remains of his Lord and master in bemusement as it fell form sight. He looked back at the assembled Army of Shinigami, who outnumbered them by double, and probably would be very bothersome to kill. He turned back to his Fraccion.

"We're leaving." he grunted.

"What!" said Third Harribel in surprise. "But Lord Aizen…"

"Has just been killed in one hit by the most powerful Shingiami in existence." finished Barragan for her.

Harribel glared at Barragan "What, are you afraid?"

"Of course not." replied Barragan in and unconcerned tone. "If we did have a battle, I'm fairly certain I would be the victor, however, seeing as I just got my Kingdom back, I really want a chance to lord over it, so I figure I'll let the Shingami live a bit longer. Besides I've got all the time in the world to plan a conquest of soul society, and I'd hate to accomplish that by using one of Aizen's strategies" he looked over at the Captains. "Since you have gotten rid of that shameless usurper, and put me back on the Throne I'm going to graciously give your invasion force safe passage back to their homes."

"That's… unexpectedly generous." said Yammamoto in bemusement.

"What can I say, I'm just a bleeding heart of generosity." replied Barragan. With that he turned around, opened a black portal that led to Houco Mundo, and went back to his new Kingdom. There was a moment of silence.

Harribel looked over at First Espada Coyote Starrk "Starrk, what's your stance on this."

"…I'm going back to bed." he replied with a yawn, before following Barragan.

Harribel's aspect of Death was Sacrifice, not suicide, so she promptly left with her Fraccion.

There was a long awkward silence afterwards.

"Well…" said Ukitake in bemusement. "That was anticlimactic."

"I must confess" said Soi Fang with a raised eyebrow. "I would have expected the final showdown between good and evil to take a bit longer."

"Who cares" said Shunsui "Drinks are on me."

Rangiku Matsumoto was shedding a few tears. "'Sniff' poor Gin." she said.

"Oh come off it Rangiku!" said Hitsugaya in irritation. "He was sadistic, coldhearted maniac who only survived as long as he did because he just happened to have enough power to qualify as a Captain. In a just world he would have been executed years ago for his liberal use of Klingon promotion. The man would have told a cancer patient that they had miraculously recovered, just so he could smash their newly formed hopes for his own amusement a few seconds later."

"I know." she said sadly. "I'm going to miss him."

"...If that's the way you feel about it, you can do the paperwork for a week." stated Hitsugaya in annoyance. "With no Saki."

"On second thought I never really liked him anyway, really!" said Rangiku quickly, her voice horrified at the thought of going without Alcohol.

"That's what I thought." said Hitsugaya in satisfaction.

...

Meanwhile on the top of the Los Nochas roof an epic showdown had just taken place between Ulquiorra Cifer, the 4th Espada, and Ichigo Kurosaki. It had been a fairly standard Ichigo fight, which is to say he was getting his ass kicked until a Deus Ex Machina showed up and allowed him to mortally wound his enemy. You know, most people die when they get two foot wide holes blown in their chest. Ichigo Kurosaki just gains superpowers. Lucky bastard.

Ulquiorra looked a Ichigo, his green eyes resolved. "Finish it." he said in a dignified voice "Otherwise you will never get to finish the fight."

"Yes…" said Ichigo "But I don't want to win like this…"

Orihime looked on the verge of tears, trembling in grief. "Oh for the love of god Kurosaki!" said Ishida in an annoyed tone from where he was lying "Are you going to mope about every single Villain we happen to kill! I mean, turning the other cheek is one thing, and I know he saved us, but this is ridiculous."

"Okay, fine" said Orihime defensively "So Ulquiorra may be a Nihilistic jerkass, with little to no regard for the well being or dignity of sentient beings and may be willing to follow almost any order, no matter how inhumane. but in his defense he hasn't tried to strangle me or anything the whole time I was here."

Silence.

"Orihime" said Uryu in as gentle a tone he could manage given the situation "I think you may have developed Stockholm syndrome."

"That can't be right, Ichigo feels sorry for him, and he's wasn't captured." Orihime replied cheerfully.

"That's because Ichigo is a moron." was Uryu's reply.

"I'm standing right here." said Ichigo, narrowing his eyes.

"Yes, it does seem that way doesn't it." said the Quincy.

"Geez, why are you being such a jerk."

"Well it probably has something to do with the fact that Ulquiorra **ripped off my arm!" **said Uryu holding up the stump that used to be his bow arm.

"Yeah, you should probably get that looked at." mused Orihime.

"I don't see what he is whining about" said Ulquiorra in reproach "Kurosaki ripped my arm off, and I'm not complaining."

"Guys got a point." admitted Ichigo.

"**He**" said Uryu glaring at the fourth Espada "Can regenerate limbs, I cannot."

"Okay, okay" said Ichigo "So your mad at Ulquiorra because he ripped your arm off. How is that my fault."

"It isn't, and normally I would not take it out on you Ichigo, but it case you've forgotten **you stuck your sword in my gut!** If Ulquiorra hadn't made your Cero blow up in your face, I'd be dead now." he paused "On second thought, Orihime maybe you should heal Ulquiorra."

"Oh, good idea Ishida-kun, I can use my ability to reject time and space to heal him, I don't know why I didn't do that before." she summon her fairies, and began healing Ulquiorra. There was silence for a moment as they stared.

"So…" said Ichigo "Why the sudden change of heart."

"It did seem a bit abrupt." said the fourth Espada in bemusement.

"Well, he's the fourth Espada, which means there are three Espada stronger than him. Much as I hate to say it we could really use a super Vizard if we run into them." explained the Quincy.

"I don't see the connection." said Ichigo.

"I see." said Ulquiorra "You wish to find a way to replicate the transformation under controlled circumstances, if you encounter one of my superiors."

"Precisely."

"What does Ulquiorra have to do with anything." said Ichigo in a confused voice.

"Are you sure that it was not a one time thing." said Ulquiorra "You could end up denying yourself one of your strongest fighters if you are not careful."

"You mean…" said Ichigo, realization dawning on him. "Oh you guys SUCK."

"Oh come on Ichigo, it's practically our mainline battle strategy for dealing with vastly superior opponents. We're just making it official. Besides, if something goes wrong we can always just have Orihime reverse it."

"You guys are the worst friends ever!" yelled Ichigo.

"Since when did I become his friend" said Ulquiorra in genuine confusion.

"Just run with it, your better off, not thinking about it too much."

"Fair enough." said the Espada "Now, perhaps if we were to make a smaller hole, and have the woman call for help again…"

"Excellent idea." replied Uryu "Though I believe we should wait till we have secured the are before testing it."

"Wait a minute!" said Ichigo suddenly before they could finish their conversation "Aren't we forgetting something."

"No." said Uryu Ishida remembered Pesche and Dondochakka, and several hundred dollars worth of clothing damage. "No we are not."

"Are you sure we're not forgetting anything."

"Ichigo, I assure you, we are not forgetting anything that we would not regret remembering."

"Yeah, I guess your right."

Meanwhile Grimmjow was getting rather impatient as he lay in the sands. "Hello." he called weakly "I'm kind of bleeding out in the sand here. Could someone heal me. Or at least finish me off." No one answered. Ever since Nnoitora had kicked the bucket it had seemed like everyone had just forgotten about him. He decided to try again.

"Ah Ichigo, if you can hear me, I'd like to say that I'm really sorry I tore up your friend Rukia." he begged "Please, it would take about ten seconds to end my suffering."

It was at this point that Grimmjows situation became a good news bad news joke without him even knowing it. The good news was that his plea's were heard by bad new was that that someone was Byakuya Kuchiki, a man who had made it his personal mission in life to turn anyone who hurt his sister Rukia, into mince meat. However since it just so happened that Grimmjow was actually begging for death. Byakuya opted to make use of a different strategy. "Renji," he said to the red headed man before him.

"Yes Captain?" asked Renji Abarai, saluting.

"Inform Captain Kuroschutchi that I have a prisoner for him to use."

...

**Authors Note:** Did a bit of rewriting to improve flow, and make things better. No big deal.

EDITED


	2. Excuses and Tea

**Zanpakto Arc: Logical Conclusion**

Orihime Inoue was not a violent girl by nature. She did not like to hurt people. Which was why she had become something akin to the team medic. However, just because someone is a medic, does not mean they are stupid. On the contrary, Orihime got excellent grades in school, and recent events had given her enough life experience to know when to use her powers, and when to see an opportunity to not use them.

As a result, when she saw Ichigo's latest arch nemesis, and the person responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent people keeled over and started dying without any help, she did the only logical thing. She called Soul Society for backup, then waited for them to arrive. So ended the Zanpakto rebellion.

"I must admit Miss Inoue." said Captain Yammamoto to her. "I am surprised at your foresight, I had thought you might have healed him, thus causing all manner of problems in the future. I'm glad to see that you have gained some wisdom since then."

"Oh it was nothing really" said Orihime putting her hand behind her head in embarrassment. "Living in Houco Mundo for a few weeks does wonders for your sense of self preservation."

"I am sure it does." said Captain Yammamoto "Still, there is the matter of Captain Kuchiki's treachery to address." the old man turned to Byakuya, his expression grave. "What do you have to say for yourself, Captain Kuchiki?"

Byakuya's face remained expressionless as he spoke "I believe I already said that this was all part of a plan to kill Koga and deal with his threat for good." There was silence.

"Yeah, but Koga was already sealed away." said Ichigo bluntly "I mean Muramasa was the only person who would have any interest in reviving that maniac anyway. So why not just kill him?"

"There is nothing I would not do for my pride." replied Byakuya simply.

"…Okay" said Ichigo "What does that even mean?"

"I swore and oath to kill Koga." replied Byakuya "My pride demanded that I fulfill it."

"But didn't you also swear an oath not to break any laws of Soul Society, which you broke, and to protect the Seretei, which you failed at, and to protect Rukia, whose Zanpakto you were perfectly willing to destroy." said Ichigo flatly. "Where was your vaunted pride then?!"

"I must agree with the Substitute Shingiami." said Yammamoto bluntly "This is an outrageous abuse of the trust given to you by the Soul Society. It is TREASON!"

"True." said Byakuya, his tone taking on a level of smugness "However, you must consider that my betrayal took place out of the established canon."

"So?" said Ichigo. "Why should that matter?"

"So this is a filler arc, and in a few moments the last week will have never happened."

"Oh that's bullshit!" said Ichigo angrily "You can't just completely get out of the consequences of your actions and jump back too-"

The world shifted, and suddenly they were back in Houco Mundo.

"Finally." said Ulquiorra as he pulled out his sword. "I was beginning to think that we would never get to conclude this arc."

"Wait, what about the beast swords filler." said Orihime, who had appeared as well.

"Needless padding, woman. We have no time for such nonsense." stated the 4th Esada simply.

"For once we agree on something." said Ichigo with a sigh. "So what were we doing when we left off."

"…I have no idea." said Orihime.

"I confess, I do not recall what we were doing before this." said Ulquiorra. "Do you, Kurosaki?"

"Why are you asking me." said Ichigo "I just spent the last forty episodes fighting Zanpakto spirits. I have no idea what the 'plot' was at this point." There was an awkward silence.

"…So what do we do now then?" asked Orihime, followed by another pause.

"…Would you like some tea?" asked Ulquiorra.

"Well if it isn't too much trouble…"

…and so the battle for Los Nochas was resolved peacefully. Because forty episodes is just too long to hold a grudge.


	3. How to deal with villains

**Fullbring Arc: Logical Conclusion**

Things were looking up for Ichigo Kurosaki. Sure earlier this week his friends had been brainwashed by a sociopath with an extremely hax power {something that was becoming all too common if you asked him.} but on the other hand he now had his Shinigami powers back, and since a group of high ranked Shingami had come to help him out when everything seemed at it's darkest it was becoming a good day. After that the Fullbrings had been defeated rather handily, and given the buildup that had preceded it, it was actually rather anticlimactic.

Ichigo for his part had just finished stabbing Ginjo several dozen time through through the chest, and now was speaking casually with Renji as they stood on the battleground.

"So you one shotted Jackie instantly." the Orange haired substitute said ruefully.

"Oh yeah," the red haired man replied with a smirk "But only after I tanked her most powerful attack head on, and shrugged it off. Just to humiliate her before I cut her in half, ya know."

"Nice touch." replied Ichigo in an approving tone while twirling his sword absently. "Truth be told, I didn't much like her to begin with. She had the nerve to lecture me on being 'inexperienced.' I mean, I've beaten eldritch abominations from beyond the veil of reality, and crushed demi gods. Where does she get off lecturing me about inexperience."

"What an arrogant jackass!"

"Tell me about it."

Suddenly a familiar spiritual pressure appeared behind Ichigo, and he turned to see Tsukishima above him, sword raised.

"Ginjo will be aveng-" was as far as he got before Ichigo backhanded him casually into a nearby tree.

"Shut up." said Ichigo, walking over to him and planting a foot on his neck while nonchalantly knocking his enemies sword out of reach with his own. "Hey Byakuya!" he called "Your getting sloppy. Next time aim a bit higher."

The dark haired nobleman looked up from where he was switching to his spare Captains hiyori and gave him a long flat look. "I do not need lectures about proper use of abilities from a man who has never used his own special technique successfully."

"Whatever," said Ichigo with a shrug "Do you want to kill him or should I?"

"Do whatever you want." was Byakuya's nonchalant reply as he turned away.

"Kay," said Ichigo before raising his sword. "Okay scumbag, before you die, I want you to know that I'm going to brutally murder all your friends, and then have some of my Hollow Associates devour you whole." He crushed out Tsukishima' response with his became aware that the others were staring at him.

"What?" he said in annoyance. "Why is everyone giving me that look?"

"Well... I dunno." said Hitsugaya "I guess we figured you'd feel sorry for them or something."

"'Feel sorry for them?'" asked Ichigo in incredulously. "These motherfuckers walk into my town, brainwashed my friends, steal my cool new powers, temporarily blind me, all for a powerup they didn't even need! I think I speak for everyone when I say that these guys can burn in hell!" He channeled energy around his blade. "And I'll send him there myself!"

There was silence for a bit.

"Doesn't that seem a bit ruthless." said Renji after a moment.

"Ruthless?" said Ichigo "I suppose it is. Hey guys, remember that time you people wiped out an entire species for little to no reason? No, well I don't blame you **since that basically describes Soul Societies entire foreign policy! **You people have obliterated entire civilizations for doing less than these jackasses, and for better reasons. So don't talk to me about ruthless!"

"He has a point." said Byakuya ruefully.

"Good." Ichigo stated, while putting on his mask.

"Wait!" said Riruka appearing from out of Rukia's body. "You haven't even heard our tragic backstory yet. It all began when I-"

Rukia stabbed her in the back, and an ice pillar through her chest.

"Nobody cares about your wangsty backstory." stated Rukia bluntly "You people make Anakin Skywalker look like a compelling main character."

"Eh." said Ichigo "What was she saying?"

"Oh nothing of import." said Rukia cheerfully while hacking up Riruka's corpse with merry blows of her Katana. "Carry on."

"...Works for me." said Ichigo, sounding slightly disturbed, before obliterating the sadistic monster known as Tsukishima from existence.

. . . . . . . .

So I just saw the end of the Fullbring arc, and the bleach anime by extension, and I found it's conclusion exceedingly disappointing. Reasons below. Viewers beware, I intend to rage here. Please keep in mind that what I say is my opinion, and if you disagree I respect that. I just feel I need to address this.

So yeah, after mind raping numerous completely innocent people, and almost ruining Ichigo's life just to get a slight power boost, what horrible punishment does Soul Society enemies give these sadistic monsters.

**THEY GET OFF SCOT FREE! WHAT THE FUCK!** **I WAITED AN ENTIRE SEASON TO SEE TSUKISHIMA GET HORRIBLY MURDERED BY ICHIGO AND THEY GET OFF WITH A SLAP ON THE WRIST! FUCK! YOU! SOUL! SOCIETY!**

Look I'm sorry, but after what happened to Orihime and Chad, I lost any and all sympathy for them. At least Nnoitora, Grimjow and Ulquiorra had the excuse of living in an inherently crapsack world, where the only law is might makes right. In such a realm someone like Nel isn't a good person, their an idiot, or a saint. The Hollows were shaped by their meaningless and violent existence.

What exactly do the Fullbrings have to complain about that compares. Oh boo hoo, your mother was attacked by a hollow. Get over it, it wasn't you that got eaten. Oh no, you murdered someone with those powers.

Well guess what. With great power comes comes great responsibility. It may be a cliché, but it's the way things are, and the basis for all modern morality. Just because you CAN destroy and entire building doesn't mean that you SHOULD. It is truly mind boggling that we are supposed to emphasize with these sadistic monsters, who killed innocent people and rather than take responsibility for their deeds they choose to run off with Ginjo and start ruining more innocent peoples lives, and acting as if their own mistakes justify their misdeeds.

Their situation is their own damn fault. Giriko chose to brutally murder his wife for no apparent reason. Yukio chose to drive his parents to suicide, however abusive they may have been. Riruka chose to consider sentient people like objects. Ginjo choose to ruin a fifteen year old boys life for a power up he didn't need purely out of spite, and the Fullbrings choose to follow him. And do I even need to go into what Tsukishima chose to do.

Soul Society may be a tyrannical regime, but at least they can say that they hold the responsibility of ensuring the spiritual world continues to spin. If Soul Society were to be destroyed the results could be the end of the world as we know it. The reason that Yammamoto never embraced change was because he knew this, and while the Stagnation that ensued is by no means a good things, Soul Society was forced to adapt when the full effects of it's stagnation became clear.

The Fullbrings are not good people, hell they aren't even sympathetic. They are scum who care nothing for anyone outside of their little club of murderers. They have no right to claim any form moral superiority.

Here ends this rant.


	4. Oh no, not this arc

**Bleach: Logical Edition**

…**oh no, not this arc.**

**Logical ending 1:**

"Lord Aizen." said Ulquiorra "There appears to be a species of vampire people called bounts who are decreasing the number of Souls in Karakura town. As this conflicts with our plan to create the Ouken, I felt you should know."

"I see." said Aizen "Do you think they are a threat."

"In all honesty, I'm pretty sure I could kill them all single handed."

"I see." said Aizen. "In that case take Grimmjow and obliterate the Bount species from existence."

"Yes Lord Aizen." said Ulquoiorra.

Two hours later Ulquiorra and Grimmjow walked into Kariya's mansion and started killing people.

Wiping out the Bounts took a few minutes.

Humanity was eternally in their debt.

**Logical ending 2:**

"Hey Uryu, you made it." said Ichigo as he saw the quincy enter the cavern where the bounts were cornered by the forces of the Soul Reapers.

"Yes I did." said Uryu "Now that we have the bounts at a major disadvantage, let us kill them all."

"Eh…" said Kariya "Are you sure you don't want to open the gate into Soul Society for us?"

"Why would I want to do that." said Uryu.

"Err… really, because I was rather banking on you doing that." said Kariya.

"Happy to disappoint you." said Uryu "Kill em!"

Calling the ensuing battle a curb stomp would not be fair to the Shinigami.

Thus ended the Bount Rebellion.

**Logical ending 3:**

The battle between Kariya and Byakuya was well under way. They weaved through the forest, dodging and striking, Senbonzakura's many bladed petals, glinting as they clashed with the swirling winds seemingly evenly matched.

Byakuya struck at Kariya's throat. Yet the Bount leader blocked the bladed with his own wind based ability, flash stepping behind Byakuya, and striking for at his back.

The head of the Kuchiki house, however, was not to be underestimated. Faster than the eye could see Byakuya turned an struck at Kariya. For a moment, hand and sword clashed, and then both leapt back, so as to avoid the backlash of both their awesome powers.

Kariya looked impressed. Byakuya slightly narrow his eyes.

"I see the rumors about you are true, Kuchiki." said Kariya, while healing the cut he had taken on his forehead.

"A pity that you fall utterly short of the airs you put up." replied Byakuya.

"You rather confident" said Kariya "Considering you are wounded, while I am not."

"Do not think that just because you have instant regeneration that it will make a differance." said Byakuya. "You will die by my hand." his blade fell from his hand, and power surged forth from around him.

He said only one word "Bankai!"

A thousand blades rose above them, shattering into thousands of tiny blades, that gleamed in the moonlight, appearing as Sakura petals.

"You don't understand." said Kariya "A thousand blades, or a million, it matters not. I have power over the wind itself and that is an infinite number of weapons."

The thousands of blades rose up over the forest, and converged upon Kariya. Yet the winds swirled around the Bount leader with such force, that the blades were momentarily deflected.

Kariya rushed at the dark haired noblemen ready for the kill.

Then in a single instant the thousands of blade converged on Kuchiki himself, and he emerged from them, a single blade in his hand.

There was a massive influx of power.

And then nothing.

They stood there, having passed on another by.

For a single instant there was silence.

Then Kariya fell to one knee, clutching his side. Blood seeped from it. He tried to summon reishi to heal himself, yet the cut was too deep.

He was dying.

"H-How?" he said, his voice a pained wheeze.

Byakuya turned slightly "It was true that your power over wind was able to protect you from all directions. However compressed all of my Bankai's blades into a single sword, it's sheer cutting power was more than sufficient to break through your shield."

"But…" began Kariya "You would have had to drop all defenses to do that…"

"When a Kuchiki chooses a course, he does not abandon it. He commits to it utterly, and does not make excuses for his failures" said Byakuya as he began to walk away "Jin Kariya, your inability commit to anything, is exactly the reason you have been defeated."

Kariya fell to the ground, breathing his last, and becoming dust in the wind.

Ichigo arrived five minutes later. "Byakuya!" he said "What happened."

"Kariya is dead." replied Byakuya "The threat has ended."

**Logical ending 4:**

The gate was breached, the device constructed by the citizens of Rukon had done it's work, and the Bounts rushed through it…

…Only to run straight into Head Captain Yammamoto.

"Foolish children." said the Captain Commander. "Did you really think you could spend hours lifting a gate and find only normal Soul Repers on the other side."

"Oh please." said Kariya confidently "As if that was really my plan."

"I do not care one wit for your futile attempts to prove yourself a mastermind." said Yammamoto "Turn all of creation to ashes! RYUJINN-JAKKA!"

On the one hand the bounts had super regeneration, that allowed them to recover from any wound they survived.

On the other Yammamoto was Yammamoto. So I doubt I have to tell you that they all died in seconds.

**Logical ending 5:**

Ran Tao was dying. The energy she had drawn from Kariya was destroying her utterly.

"Uryu." she said through the pain "Kariya is weak, attack him now. You have to let me die or you'll lose your chance."

"Um hello." said Uryu "I'm a Quincy. My power comes from the surrounding area, all I have to do is fire the Reishi surrounding you at Kariya. Problem solved."

"Oh." said Ran Tao "Well do that then."

Drew the energy from Ran Tao, and fired it at Kariya, striking him dead on, and obliterating him from existence.

Ten minutes later, Ichigo arrived to find the main villain dead, and the problem solved.

. . . . . . . .

…So yeah, you'll notice that Logical ending 3 was almost played for drama, this is because I actually really liked the fight between Byakuya and Kariya, and I wanted to experiment with satire. The others are fairly standard parodies though.


	5. Salvation must be asked

**Bleach: Logical Edition**

**Salvation must be Asked:**

"…So let me see if I've got this straight." said Ichigo in a horrified "You killed a couple of guys who murdered your sister. And you got sent to hell for it."

"Yeah, pretty much." said Kokuto "Apparently it was just enough to slightly tip the scales on the side of evil."

"You got eternal Damnation for **that!**" said Ichigo "That's just stupid."

"I agree." said Uryu "Only soul society could possibly think that this was justice."

"Anyway." said Kokuto "While **I **don't have the power to break the chains that bind me in hell, **you** might. I were rather hoping you'd help me out."

"Okay." said Ichigo.

"…Really." said Kokuto.

"Well yeah." said Ichigo "It's not like I lose anything by helping you, and you haven't given me any indication that you deserve eternal damnation. Let's just go outside, and I'll get out my Hollow mask."

"Oh good." said Kokuto "You know, there were a couple of guys planning kidnap your sister, and blackmail you into breaking them out. I told them we should just ask nicely first, but they refused. Don't worry though, I stopped them"

"Oh, thanks." said Ichigo "Though I can't really see anyone that stupid being a legitimate threat. I mean, seriously, they could have just asked."

"Tell me about it." said Kokuto.

Five minutes later, Kisuke Urahara had out up a barrier around their shop, while Uryu made a few phone calls.

"Is a barrier this strong really necessary." asked Ichigo.

"Maybe, maybe not." said Kisuke "But you can't be too careful." There was a manic glint in his eyes that said there was more to it, but as he charged his energy, Ichigo figured it didn't matter.

"**Getsuga Tensho!" **yelled Ichigo, sending forth a massive wave of dark energy, and hitting the chains dead on.

When the dust settled, however, the chains were still there.

"Damn it!" said Kokuto. "You just don't have enough firepower, even with your mask on."

"Don't worry." said Uryu, adjusting his glasses. "I thought this might happen. And I prepared a plan B."

"We have a plan B?" said Kokuto in surprise.

"Not that I know of?" said Ichigo, looking at Uryu strangely "You never said anything about a plan B."

"Obviously not." came a detached voice "After all, you only follow the plan when you don't know it exists."

Ichigo turned around to see Ulquiorra standing behind him, wearing a brown trench coat, over a white shirt.

"Oh I get it" said Ichigo. "You want Ulquiorra use his Cero Oscuras."

"…That is technically correct." said the 4th Espada stonily.

"What do you mean technically correct…" asked Ichigo, before trailing off as Ulquiorra raised one hand.

Realization dawned. "Oh you son of a…"

"Cero Oscuras."

A concentrated beam of dark energy shot from Ulquiorra's finger tips and blasted a hole in Ichigo's chest.

"What the hell are you doing!" said Kokuto in surprise, and confusion. "I thought he was your friend!"

"He's had worse." said Uryu flatly, before turning to an auburn haired girl, who was currently standing with a microphone. "Orihime, as we rehearsed.."

Orihime raised the microphone to her lips "Ahem." she said "Help us Ichigo! I don't know what to do anymore!" her voice spoke of absolute grief and confusion, the results of a **lot **of practice.

A massive amount of spirit energy surrounded the area, and Ichigo rose **"FUCK… YOU… URYU!" **said Ichigo as he fired off a Cero that blasted Kokuto's chains.

"Well… that worked quite well." said Uryu "Now we just need to- Urk!" he fell over as Ichigo impaled him on his sword, before preparing another Cero…

It was at this point that the first of many explosions rocked the inside of the shield.

Eventually Ulquiorra and Kokuto's combined might managed to subdue Ichigo's super hollow form, and thanks to Orihime's powers, no one was permanently injured.

Ichigo, however, has a few choice words with Uryu. The last of the Quincy was expected to make a full recovery after their 'chat'.

Eventually.

**Authors note: **So yeah, this idea occurred to me after watching the Hell Arc movie.

The Hell arc movie was pretty damn cool, I will admit, Kokuto was **really** badass, however it was also extremely disappointing to me.

The inclusion of several Espada in the trailer made us think that they make use Grimmjow, and Ulquiorra in the movie. Personally I think it would have been an interesting thing to do.

Instead we got a series of awesome fight scenes, and an extremely badass villain, whose plan made no sense whatsoever.

Seriously, as easily manipulated as Ichigo is, you'd think they try asking nicely, before they pissed off a guy who routinely curb stomps eldritch abominations.

And don't even get me started on the Ulquiorra vs. Ichigo fight in the intro. Not because it was bad, mind you, but because it was so awesome, so completely full of win, that the moment I saw that scene, I realized that there was no way they could possibly top it.

The only time they came even remotely close, was when Kokuto started laughing off Super Hollow Ichigo's attacks super Cero. That was pretty kickass.

Of course the biggest flaw in the Hell Chapter was the same problem as the conclusion to Ulquiorra vs. Ichigo in the anime. **It was about Ichigo!**

Now don't get me wrong, I like Ichigo as a protagonist, but he get's **way** too much focus.

Don't believe me, well let me tell you a story that might well convince you.

Orihime Inoue is having a bad week, she has been imprisoned against her will, witnessed her friends get badly hurt because of her own inability to fight, and now she see's the man who she loves get killed by Ulquiorra.

So she snaps, and goes berserk, throwing her powers around with killing intent. Ulquiorra attempts to use his Lanca Del Relampago against her, but her deflection shield sends the attack back at him, and ultimately she mortally injures him.

Ulquiorra, having witnessed the power her emotions give her, realizes that the heart truly is something worthwhile, and his silent dignity causes her to snap out of her rage, and realize that she has killed someone, and that she does not have enough power left to ressurect both Ichigo, and Ulquiorra.

Thus Ulquiorra fades away into the wind, facing his death with dignity.

The Kokuto could observe this, and, having been unable to break his chains with sheer power, decides to get her to use her powers of rejection to **unmake** his chains.

See, this plot is well thought out, and entirely workable. Instead, however, we got this…

**Uryu: **Wow, that super powerful Hollow form of yours sure was convenient, even if it came completely out of nowhere, with no foreshadowing whatsoever.

**Ichigo: **Yes, yes it was, and it is so powerful that I will **never **use it again, nor explain how it happened. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go kill Aizen while Rukia, Renji, and Chad get curb stomped off-screen by the lamest arrancar in existence.

**Orihime:** Okay Ichigo, and what should I do.

**Ichigo: **BITCH GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN!

Yes, I am aware that that was out of character for Ichigo, but it's more or less what the plot boiled down to.

Personally I consider Ulquiorra's death to be the point where Bleach started to go wrong. Before that, there was focus upon Character development, and his friends actually got to do something.

After it, well, I guess you could say...

{puts on sunglasses}

...things went to hell.

YEEEAAAHHHH!

…Anyway, this authors note is dragging on. See you next time.


	6. Check your facts

**Bleach: Logical Edition**

**Check your facts:**

"So Ichigo, how may I help you today." said Kisuke Urahara, covering his face with a fan, as he observed his favorite, and only, student enter his abode.

"Hi hat and clogs." said Ichigo with a sigh "I need you to do me a favor, it's probably nothing, but it could be serious, so I need you to give me any information on a group called the Fullbrings."

"Fullbrings?" said Urahara. "Who are they?"

"I'm not really sure of their motivations myself." said Ichigo "They claim they want to give me their powers, and I really do need the power right now, because of this psycho named Tsukishima, who has been hunting my friends…"

"And who leads them." asked Urahara.

"Well..." said Ichigo "His named Ginjo. Apparently Tsukishima used to work with him."

"Hmm…" said Urahara "Those names sound familiar. Tell you what, I'll call up Byakuya Kuchiki, he's in charge of the history of the Seretei, so he might know more."

**One five minute phone call later:**

"…Well, I've got some bad news, I'm afraid." said Kisuke. "Turns that Ginjo was the first Substitute Shingami, and he betrayed the Soul Society, killing a bunch of people in the process, Tsukishima is practically his adopted son, so it seems like they were trying to decieve."

"Oh." said Ichigo in surprise "So I guess he really was evil." he sighed "Now what am I going to do."

"Well, there's also good news." said Kisuke reassuring "It turns out that Byakuya immediate called Yammamoto, who is currently sending a special task force to deal with them. It's a good thing you told us this right away, otherwise who knows what might have happened. Oh, and we've come up with a way to get your powers back."

"Really?" said Ichigo "How?"

"Well… Uh…" began Kisuke rubbing the back of his head, while looking behind Ichigo's left shoulder.

"Wait a minute." said Ichigo suspiciously. "What are you looking at."

And then someone stabbed him in the back.

**One powerup later:**

"Damn it Rukia!" said Ichigo to the black haired girl who stabbed him. "Warn me next time!"

"Shut up and stop complaining!" said Rukia "You didn't even do anything this arc!"

"Well I might have been able to help if you guys had actually kept in touch." he muttered.

It was at this point that Renji approached them, carrying a bottle of saki. "Hey guys, we just got finished wiping out the Fullbrings. Turns out they had some kind of crazy memory gambit going on, that utterly failed to work."

"How do you know that?" asked Ichigo.

"Well it seems like they regained their memories mid battle." explained Renji. "Odd, I know."

"I believe I can explain." said Ulquiorra's voice behind Ichigo. "You see, I just got finished brutally Tsukishima for screwing with the woman's head. Only I am allowed to do that."

Ichigo looked at him strangely. "Ulquiorra! What the hell are you doing here!"

"Making an obligatory Cameo." explained Ulquiorra "Now if you will excuse me, I must return to Los Noches ensure that Halibel does not take control in my absence. She is quite incompetent when it comes to actual fighting."

"…Didn't she outrank you." said Ichigo.

There was a pause.

"…Cero Oscuras."

"Son of a bi-"

**Authors note:**

Okay, another update. And this one is another alternate ending to the Fullbring Arc. At this point, it seems like Ulquiorra is becoming regular in this fic. I guess he just enjoys hitting Ichigo with Ceroes.

Anyway, about the fic itself. You would think that Ichigo would at least _try_ to check with Kisuke Urahara, or one of his many contacts before joining the Fullbrings.

Oh, and before you get on my back about Halibel, I was just kidding when I said she was incompetent. After all, Tia Halibel has a long and successful career as threatening villain.

Lets look at her battles in the show.

First she went up against Toshiro Hitsugaya. And lost.

Then she went up against Aizen. And lost.

Then she fought the Vandenreach. And lost.

Then she got chained up for a bit of fan service, and hasn't appeared since.

Yeah, that Tia Halibel. She's a great Espada.

I mean, seriously, why would Tite Kubo have _her_ of all people, play the role of the only surviving Espada. Sure she was an okay character, but she didn't have much depth, especially in the manga. Ulquiorra still had potential to grow as a character, and if he had been shown fighting the Vandenreich emperor, and being defeated, it would have been cool.

Why? Because Ulquiorra was seriously badass, and it would set up the Vandenreich as huge threat to show him defeated by their leader. Beating Tia Halibel is not an accomplishment. It's just makes you look like a shallow jerk.

…Although come to think of it, 'shallow jerk' more or less _defines _the Vandenreich Emperor, so it all works out in the end.


	7. Know when to fold 'em

**Bleach: Logical Edition**

**Strategic Withdrawal:**

Ichigo Kurosaki was not having a good day. Sure, it had started out well enough, with him defeating his rival, Grimmjow, and had managed to drive Ulquiorra up to the rooftop, but unfortunately that was where Ulquiorra released his Zanpakto.

After that everything went to hell.

He could barely react to Ulquiorra's brutal attacks, even his Hollow Mask had barely helped.

The fact that the pale faced 4th Espada also had a **lightsaber **made things even worse.

Fortunately he still had one ace up his sleeve.

"**GETSUGA TENSHO!"** he yelled sending a massive wave of dark energy consumed Ulquiorra…

Before promptly dissipated, having not done a damn thing.

"Impossible…" he said "Not even a scratch."

"What do you mean impossible?" asked Ulquiorra seriously "You barely injured me with that attack the last time we fought, and I was in my base form then. Even if your power has doubled since then it will do no harm to my first release."

"…Wait a minute." said Ichigo "What do your mean you 'first release', I thought Arrancar only had one."

"Normally you would be correct." said Ulquiorra "However I have developed another one, which even Lord Aizen does not know about."

"…Okay fuck this." said Ichigo "I'm done." he turned around and started walking over to giant pit he had come through.

"What the- what do you mean your done." said Ulquiorra.

"I mean, I'm done fighting you." said Ichigo frankly "You've been completely mauling me so far, and your not even anywhere near full power. I'm cutting my losses."

"…And what exactly makes you think I would allow you to just leave." queried Ulquiorra.

"Well think about it." said Ichigo "Your sworn to protect Los Noches, and you just told me that your release could easily destroy it, so you can't follow me down here."

"I can leave my base form at any time." pointed out Ulquiorra.

"True." said Ichigo "But I was beating you in that form with my mask. And there four Captains down there. Besides, I've already rescued Orihime, so why bother even continuing the fight.

He reached the pit and leapt down it.

There was a pause.

"Damn." said Ulquiorra after a moment.

Thus ended the final showdown between Ichigo and Ulquiorra.

**Authors note:**

Okay, I have to admit that this one is **not **a perfect example of a Logical conclusion. It is doubtful that once the battle was in full swing that Ichigo could have had a chance to run away, but the point is that he **knew **there were four powerful captains down there, and he didn't even try to go get help.

Still, I fully admit that this is somewhat flawed.


	8. Performance Issues

**Bleach: Bankai control issues**

Things were not looking good for the Captains, reflected Renji Abarai as he looked to where Byakuya faced off against a member of the Vandenreich who had just stolen his Bankai.

Surprisingly, Byakuya did not look even remotely worried. Admittedly Byakuya almost never look worried, but Renji Abarai had a good sense of when his Captain was stressed.

It wasn't right now.

The dark haired Nobleman leapt forward, striking at As Nodt with his sword, who leapt away nonchalantly.

"How foolish." said As Nodt "To face me, when I hold your Bankai."

"Actually, you are the foolish one." replied Byakuya nonchalatantly. "And using my Bankai will be your downfall."

As Nodt, replied summoned Senbonzakura…

…Which promptly passed through him, tearing him to ribbons. He had just enough time to scream before he was reduced him to little more than a bloody stain on the street.

"Captain," said Renji in surprise "What did you do?"

"Nothing." said Byakuya turning to face him "I told you a long time ago that a Bankai takes a bare minimum of ten years to master, and mine took twenty. The first time I used it's Shikai, I spent a week in squad four. It's only natural that anyone stupid enough to try to use without any training would die horribly."

"Oh." said Renji in surprise.

There was a pause.

"Well, that was easy." said Renji.

"Indeed." agreed Byakuya.

Little did they know that this was only the beginning.

…...

"Hahahaha!" said the Vandenreich member to Kommamura. "I have stolen your Bankai!"

"Congratulations." replied Kommamura dryly "You've successfully stolen the ability to create a Giant that mimics my every movement."

There was a pause.

"Fuck." said the Vandenreich member, before being bludgeoned to death by a Giant sword.

…...

"Hahahahaha!" said the Vandenreich member facing down Soi Fon "I have stolen your- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING!"

"It's a nuke." said Soi Fon with slight smirk "A very inconvenient one."

Then she cut his head off.

…...

"Hahahahaha!" said the Vandenreich member to Hitsugaya "I have stolen your…" his teeth began chattering. "…bankai…"

He fell to the ground, and died of Frostbite a few minutes later.

"…That was easy." said Hitsugaya as he looked at the man. He supposed there were certain advantages to having a Bankai that surrounded you in ice only you could safely touch.

…...

"Hahahaha!" yelled the Vandenreich member, looking at his opponent. "I killed your lieutenant! Now allow me to further insult you by using his Bankai."

Yammamoto waited for a moment in silent respect for the countless brain cells that had been slain by this one mans sheer stupidity.

Then he liquefied the imbacile with a blast of flame.

…...

"So let me see if I have this straight." said Aizen, raising an eyebrow "You want me to join your group, and act as one of your subordinates."

"Correct." said Ju Bach, or whatever the hell his name was.

There was a moment of silence.

Then Aizen began howling with laughter, to the point where he fell out of his chair.

"…Oh god!" he said between chuckles "It's hilarious."

"I'm quite serious." said Ju Bach.

"I know!" said Aizen "That's what makes it so funny. I mean, come on! ME! YOUR SUBORDINATE!" he started laughing again, though in a more controlled fashion. "Your entire so called plan revolves around stealing my idea's, and doing them in a less interesting fashion."

"No it doesn't!" said Ju Bach defensively "I just gathered an army of arramcars, who I kill without reason, and then defeating Yammamoto with trickery, after isolating Soul Societes most powerful fighters in Houco Mundo."

Aizen didn't say anything. He didn't need to.

"Go the hell!." said Ju Bach, before walking out of the prison room.

…...

Ju Bach walked out of the Sqaud 1 Barracks to see that Yammato had finished killing the body double that he had only just made up this second.

Well this would be fun. He'd steal Yammamoto's Bankai, and use it against him,

He activated the device.

And then the world went white.

…...

Yammamoto watched with mild surprise as the real Ju Bach exploded into flames, before becoming dust in the wind.

"…Well that was odd." the Head Captain said at last.

"Indeed." said Ulquiorra, walking up behind him. "However, I have a theory that might shed some light on the situation."

"…Who are you, exactly." said Yammamoto in mild surprise.

"I am Ulquiorra Cifer, former Cuetro Espada of Los Noches." he said "I defected during the fighting, and now I spend my days seeking out knowledge. May I share my theory."

"Certainly." said the Head Captain, surprised at Ulquiorra's civility.

"Excellent." said Ulquiorra "You see, heat is transferred from one body to another by Thermal interactions. You ability seems to be based on summoning the energy to you. While Ju Bach might have been able to protect himself from your flames with his personal abilities, when he stole your Bankai, he also took all of the heat into a small object that he was holding in his hand, increasing the power of the flames exponentially, while simultaneously placing in his hand."

"…My flames were burning with the heat of the sun." said Yammamoto.

"Then he was an idiot to try to steal them." said Ulquiorra bluntly.

"…So that's it then." said Yammamoto "The Captains curb stomp the Vandenreich, and Ju Bach is defeated with the power of science."

"I would say more along the lines of the power of logic." said Ulquiorra.

Suddenly a Gargantua opened, and Ichigo leapt out in full on Bankai.

"Hey guys, guess what, I just gained Quincy powers!" he said.

There was a pause.

"Cero Oscuras." said Ulquiorra, however Ichigo stepped out of the way instantly.

"Ha!" Ichigo said readying his blade "You'll have to do better than that to catch me off guard again-"

"Licht regen!" came Uryu's voice, and suddenly Ichigo was hit with thousands of Quincy projectiles from above him, sending him crashing to the ground. The attack continued for another thirty seconds, before ending.

When the smoke cleared, Ichigo was lying on the ground, smoking.

Uryu landed, and turned to Yammamoto.

"Get me a f*cking senrai glove." said the Last Quincy, adjusting his glasses.

Yammamoto furrowed his eyebrows, "I do not take orders from-"

"**NOW!" **Yelled Uryu in a fury.

"Okay, okay, I'm going!" said Yammamoto quickly, before rushing off to find one.

Once they had finished burning out Ichigo's spiritual powers, they had Orihime reject them from having ever existed as a possibility in the first place, along with Ichigo's memory of it.

Afterward Yammamoto had everyone involved sworn to secrecy on pain of death.

In the end, the repair bill for the Seretei was somewhat higher than usual, but overall, everything worked out fine. Indeed, the Vandenreich had been effortless curb stomped, due to the fact that **BANKAI DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!**

Oh, and the Royal guard arrived, and were promptly tortured to death by Mayuri for being arrogant, stupid looking, douchbags, who never do anyone a lick of good.

And there was much rejoicing.

…...

**Authors Note: **Well, here we are, chapter 8. The Vandenreich arc.

To be perfectly honest, I don't hate the current arc. I certainly don't like it as much as the Soul Society arc, and there are many, many, things that frustrate me about it. I.E the Royal guard, Yammamoto's exit.

Nevertheless, I think it is okay. It feels like Tite Kubo is actually putting work into it, and the fights have improved, and the fact that they have killed off several significant characters has added back in the suspense.

Neverthless, I still intend to viciously lampoon it.

The Inspiration for this chapter was then speech Byakuya makes to Renji during their first battle. It's a bit long to quote here, but it basically boils down to this.

"_It takes ten years minimum to master Bankai, Renji. You were an idiot to even attempt to fight a Captain with one you got yesterday. You suck."_

This of course, provides an explanation for _why_ Renji's Bankai does not work for him as well as the other Captains Bankai does. He simply does not have the experience necessary to use it. Ichigo is an exception, because his Bankai was custom designed to be usable by him within three days of training. Which is fine.

My problem comes when a bunch of _Quincies._Who don't even own Zanpakto, steal Senbonzakura's bankai, and use it without getting butchered. We're talking about a Bankai so dangerous, that even with over a hundred years of training, Byakuya still has a minimum safe distance he must use.

With Soi Fon, it seemed fairly obvious, since no one would expect the Captain of the Stealth force to wield a nuke that slows you down. Given that Soi Fon is a combat pragmatist, I think that my interpretation was spot on.

As for Kommamura, Tenken Muyo is a giant that is intimately linked with Kommamura, and as such the Vandenreich stealing it is the equivelent of paying for the bullets of the guy trying to shoot you. The 'bullets' in this case being the reiatsu necessary to control it.

As for Yammamoto, I figured I'd add in some physics, if only for fun. Oh, and if I made any mistakes in Ulquiorra's explanation, I apologize.

And as for Ichigo being a Quincy. Well, let me put this is a manner that is easy to understand.

**FUCK THAT BULLSHIT!**

That is all.

Signed-

Lord22.


	9. Don't split the party

**Bleach: Logical Edition**

**Chapter Nine: Don't Split the Party**

The mission to rescue Orihime Inoue had hit a snag. They had run into five separate doors, with no indication of where they led.

Fortunately Rukia had a plan.

Unfortunately it totally sucked.

"You want to split up?" said Ichigo.

"Yes." said Rukia Kuchiki, brushing a lock of her black hair from her eyes. "That way we can find Orihime twice as fast, and get out of here."

"That makes sense to me." said Renji Abarai "There are five doors, after all."

"Indeed." said Uryu, pushing up his glasses so that they shone. "I wish to show Aizen that he should fear the Quincy, not the Soul Reapers."

"…I'm fine with it and if they are." said Chad after a moment, accidentally towering over everyone else as always.

There was a pause as Ichigo looked at his friends seriously for a moment.

"No." he said.

"What." said Rukia.

"I'm using my veto as leader to block that plan." said Ichigo. "We're not doing."

"Since when are you leader." asked Uryu.

"Since I'm the only person in this group with a Bankai." said Ichigo.

"I have Bankai." said Renji.

There was a pause.

"Good point Renji. Since I'm the only person with a Bankai that doesn't suck, I'm the leader." amended Ichigo "Also, this mission was my idea, and I'm sure as hell not going to let you guys screw it up with a stupid plan like that."

"It's not stupid!" said Rukia angrily.

"Yes it is, Rukia." he said. "In fact I can honestly say that I consider it the single dumbest plan I have ever heard in my life."

"Oh yeah, well what's wrong with it!" asked Rukia.

"Hmm, let me think." said Ichigo "Hey, remember that time Grimmjow beat both you and me to bloody pulps without breaking a sweat. Twice."

"Uh…" she began.

"Well it turns out that Grimmjow was the sixth strongest Espada. And his Fraccion were among the weakest of the Arrancar. You know, the ones that almost killed the others."

There was another pause, in which this sunk in.

"But don't worry." said Ichigo "I mean, he's the sixth strongest, that means that there are only six people in this fortress who will slaughter any individual one of us."

"…Hey guys, I think web should stick together." said Renji.

"SHUT UP RENJI!" said Rukia, before turning back to Ichigo "Our best bet is to find Orihime quickly-"

"Irrelevant." said Ichigo with a shrug "We can **sense **Orihime spirit energy from here, and locate her by that! And if worst comes to worst, we can just knock down the walls until we reach her. There is literally **NO **reason to split up here."

"Not to play devils advocate…" said Uryu "But it did work before."

"Okay one." said Ichigo raising his "We didn't mean to split up. We got separated because Ganju sucks. Two, **I** succeeded in rescuing Rukia. You guys were all picked off one by one, and ended up being completely ineffectual to the overall conflict. If the Captains hadn't been feeling merciful, you'd all be dead now."

They all looked downcast.

"In fact..." continued Ichigo "The only person other than me who accomplished anything of note was in fact Orihime. So no, we're not splitting up, because if I have to save your asses again, I want you nearby."

Rukia shut up.

"Wait a minute." said Renji. "Aren't you forgetting certain crucial actions taken by someone other than yourself and Orihime."

"Oh right!" said Ichigo, before turning to Uryu. "Sorry about that Uryu, your defeating Kuroschuchi allowed Orihime to get in contact with squad eleven and also put one of the Captains out of commision."

"Thank you." said Uryu.

"Uh… what about me." said Renji pointedly.

"You?" said Ichigo "You didn't do anything other than lose to everyone and their dog. Hell, you couldn't even transport Rukia out of the Seretei without screwing it up."

"…Why did I come on this mission again." said Renji.

"I ask myself that question every minute I am in your presence." said Ichigo in annoyance.

"**ITSYGOOO!"** came a child's voice from the hallway they had come from.

"Oh no, it's Nel and the two idiots from before!" said Ichigo "Let's get the hell out of here before we have to rescue three more useless sidekicks."

"You shouldn't say that about Orihime." said Rukia reproachfully.

"I was talking about Renji. Now flash step dammit!

…...

**Authors Note: **So yeah, this part of the anime never really made much sense to me. With Soul Society, there was a logical reason they were separated.

I would have preferred it if they had a big battle with all three Privaron Espada at once, and then gotten separated in that fashion.

Also, I don't hate Renji, but I like making fun of him.


	10. Godfall

**Bleach: Logical Edition**

**Chapter Ten: Godfall**

Sosuke Aizen was on a power trip. Though Gin had indeed almost succeeded in slaying him, his fear of death had awakened his full power, and now he was a god among gods. Invulnerable, invincible, and an all around omnipotent deity.

Storm clouds gathered around him as the light of his immortal presence shot upwards. Down below, in the streets of Karakura, he could see Gin looking up in fear.

It was the sort of moment Aizen lived for. Thunder roared ominously above him, and it began to rain, as if to welcome the god of the world coming into his own.

"Very clever Gin." he said, his voice smug "But the Hogyoku is mine, and removing it physically from my being does not change that. And now I have trans-"

That was as far as he got before a bolt of lightning came down from the sky and incinerated him.

…...

"…Huh." said Gin after a moment as he saw Aizen's burned corpse land with a thud. He half expected him to regenerate, but he didn't. He did, however, smoke.

"What the hell just happened?" came a girls voice from behind him, and Gin turned to see the group of Kurosaki's friends who Aizen had been chasing.

The one who had spoken was a wiry black haired girl, who Gin remembered seeing in a report from Ulquiorra.

"…I have no idea." said Gin after a moment, and to his annoyance he realized that he really didn't. It was so annoying that he wasn't even smiling, and that was saying something. "I mean, I suppose that Ichigo **might** have been able to gain enough power to one shot Aizen with a surprise attack, assuming that he had enough time. But that could take years of training and… well…"

"I'm guessing that Ichigo doesn't have the ability to control the weather."

"Well I was going to say that he's too obsessed with dynamic entries to ever actually manage a proper backstab." said Gin dryly "But what you said also is quite true."

There was a long pause.

"Well if that's the case…" said Tatsuki after a moment "Then who killed him?"

"I don't know." said Gin, his tone thoughtful "Even Yammamoto couldn't have done this, and he's the most powerful Shinigami to ever live. Maybe… maybe Soul Society has thus far been completely wrong about how the universe works. Maybe we are really just another step of the cycle of life, and there really is a loving god who could not longer abide Aizen's vicious evil, and intervened directly. Maybe there is hope for…"

"Hi Gin." said Chojiro Sasakibe, walking up behind Gin, twirling his rapier absently as his white jinbaori blowing in the wind as he walked up the wreckage "Sorry I'm late, it took me awhile to charge up that attack. But I'm glad to see it worked."

Gin turned around, his mouth agape. "Chojiro! But… how!"

The white haired Captain shrugged "I'm the lieutenant of the 1st division. You didn't really think that I didn't have any special powers of my own did you?"

"Well… I… Uh…" Gin paused "I just didn't think they were on the level of killing Aizen."

"Please" said Chokiro dismissively "When I first got my Bankai I managed to permanently scar Yammamoto's face. And I've been his lieutenant since before the Gotei 13 have even existed. I'm pretty sure I can zap some megalomaniac with a god complex."

"Then why didn't you just do that to begin with!" asked Gin incredulously, barely able to believe what had just happened.

"You spent a little over a hundred years portraying yourself as Aizen's loyal lieutenant, didn't you?" replied Chojiro "Trying pretending to be something your not for **thousands of years. **Trust me, any masquerades you have left right now are strictly amateur hour compared to mine."

"So… you let the Captain all get beaten to a pulp so you didn't have to tell them about your hidden competence?" asked Gin, raising an eyebrow "Isn't that kind of… irresponsible."

"Actually no." said Chojiro "The fact is that Yammamto and I figured out a way to break a Gillian's Nagacion years ago. We could have wiped you out at any time. We just chose not to because aside from Byakuya and Kenpachi the Captains had gotten rather complacent, and weren't living up to their potential at all. With the threat of the arrancar, they got serious about their training. Soul Society is more secure than it ever has been because Aizen presented what appeared as a legitimate threat. The only part of our plan that **didn't** go off without a hitch was that Mayuri Kuroschuchi didn't go with you. He's a bit too genre savvy for even us."

Gin stood there, absolutely dumbstruck. "You mean… you mean that… that everything we've been doing up to this point… has… has…"

"Gone according to our plans." said Chojiro with a smile, before glancing over to where Ichigo had just arrived.

"Alright Aizen!" said Ichigo "Let's finish-" he paused "Where the hell is Aizen?"

"Oh, I killed him." said Chojiro with a shrug.

"…Seriously?" asked Ichigo, looking to Gin for confirmation.

"Yup."

"But if that's the case, then how did I one shot you with a single punch before?" asked Ichigo. "You know, back when I was rescuing Rukia."

"Well there's actually a very funny story behind that." said Chojiro "See, it all started when this army of Eldritch abominations led by and old god named Nyarlathotep tried to seize control of the universe, and Captain Yamammoto sent me to stop him…"

…...

**Authors Note: **Yeah, this one was inspired by the fact that Tite Kubo said that Chojiro had a Bankai which scarred Yamammoto's face. Considering that it's stated it only got stronger since then…

Well I think that the fic speaks for itself. The idea that Chojiro was **that** badass, despite his complete lack of screen time or dialogue made me come to the conclusion that while Ichigo was fighting Aizen, Chojiro was busy kicking the crap out of creatures from beyond the veil of reality. He only **looks** unremarkable because small fry like Aizen aren't worth getting so worked up about. He wasn't actually fooled by Aizen's complete hypnosis, he merely concluded that the tea kettle illusions were more interesting than that jackass' delusions of grandeur.

He's the god damned Agent Coulson of the Bleach Verse.


	11. The art of gloating

**Spoiler Alert: **This chapter countains spoilers for the anime Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion. Ye be warned.

**Bleach Logical Edition:**

**How to Gloat Evilly, by Lelouch Vi Britannia**

Aizen was truly beginning to tick him off, reflected Ichigo as he observed to insufferably smug jackass regenerate from a self destruct attack from Yammamoto and a full power, point blank Getsuga Tensho with little explanation beyond 'the Hogyoku makes no sense whatsoever'.

"So you see Ichigo Kurosaki. Not only am I **so** absurdly powerful than any attempt to harm me would be utterly futile, but even if you do somehow manage to hurt me I will simply regenerate from-"

"YES! I GET IT ALREADY!" said Ichigo, at his wits end. "Your invincible! You've fused with Deus Ex Machina machine, and your bankai is the ability to COMPLETELY ignore the rules of the universe! I understand! You don't need to keep hammering the same fucking point any more! God your terrible at this!"

"You say I am terrible at this, even as you admit to my overwhelming power-" said Aizen, raising an eyebrow.

"I wasn't saying that you weren't a threat." replied Ichigo "I was saying that you terrible at this whole gloating thing. There **is **a certain skill to making evil gloating cool, and you sure as hell don't have it!"

"What?" said Aizen, sounding actually surprised right there. "But I effortlessly defeated Yammamoto-"

"Which **might** have been cool, had you done so with style." replied Ichigo "Word of advice, Aizen, being completely unfazed by anything which is thrown at you only gives you style points if **it's actually a threat to your person!** Doing so when your effortless beating everyone through the power of **just making shit is not cool!** It just makes you look like an insufferably smug jackass! If you want to say that your more powerful than someone, than just say it! Don't spend three hours making the point! You have to be concise!"

Aizen sniffed nonchalantly. "Oh, and I suppose that you've seen someone far better at evil gloating than-"

It was at this point that reality itself seemed to warp slightly to the left of them.

…...

{Let's me just stop the narritive here and explain what comes next.

You see, the recent battle in the Fake Karakura town had involved so much power that it had weakened the walls separating Ichigo and Aizen's reality from the others. The world in question was one where the American revolution failed, and the French had actually managed to win the battle of Trafalgar.

As a result of these changes, the United states of America never existed, and in its place was formed by a genocidal Empire which proceeded to wage a lot of very bloody wars to take over the planet.

While the Empire was eventually beaten back, there came a time a new Emperor came right the fuck out of nowhere and proceeded to take over the entire planet in the course of about a week, despite being an out of shape megolamaniac who couldn't lift a box of pillows.

It is a strange coincidence that the walls of the world would break down just in the right time and place so that both Ichigo and Aizen could see the speech he made up on the spot after taking over the world.

My own belief is that the universe has a sense of karma, and decided to give Aizen a heavy dose of it.}

…...

They glanced over to see a massive castle like structure floating over a burning mountain. Great humanoid machines fought with chainsaw blades, and energy shields. Then suddenly a burst of violet fire appeared in the midst of the battle, wiping out hundreds of the machines in a single moment.

The machines stopped, and gazed up as a voice clear and terrible range out.

"_Attention entire world! I am Lelouch Vi Britannia, Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire and your only ruler!"_ Lelouch waited just a moment for the machines below to realize what was a happening before he continued. _"Schneizel has surrendered to me! As a result of this I am now in command of both the Damocles and the Fleija weapon! And even the Black Knights do not possess the strength to oppose me now! If anyone dares to resist my supreme authority they shall know the devastating power of the FLEIJA's! Those who could challenge my military rule no longer exist! Yes… from this day! From this moment forward! The world belongs to me!"_

There was one terrible silence as all those within the world looked upon the fortress Damocles and despaired. For what could any man do against such terrible power.

"_Lelouch Vi Britannia commands you… OBEY ME SUBJECTS! OBEY ME WORLD!"_

And all hope was lost.

…...

Back in Karakura town Ichigo smiled rather smugly at Aizen, who stood there in absolute silence. "See, _that's_ quality gloating right there. Short concise, and actually threatening. And from the sounds of things he's all that without having to pull any Deus Ex Machina's. Why can't you be more like him, Aizen?"

There were a few more moments of silence, before Aizen committed seppuku out of shame for being such a blatant failure of a villain.

…...

**End Chapter Twelve**

…...

**Authors note:**

Well I'm back. This technically speaking counts as a crossover, but I needed someone like Lelouch to really demonstrate the flaws in Aizen's characterization. Lelouch has a detailed backstory, complex motivations, and tons of style. He's also one of the few Anime Characters to eversuccessfully take over the world onscreen, despite having arguably the worst luck of any anime character ever made and being almost useless in a physical confrontation.

This puts him in sharp contrast to Aizen, who is ludicrously overpowered, **incredibly** lucky, and yet utterly fails to accomplish anything. Hell, the only characters he's actually managed to successfully kill are ones who were **on his side to begin with.**

If Lelouch had taken Aizens place in the Deicide Arc this is what would have happened.

Lelouch arrives, having killed Gin **years** ago and used someone who could actually be relied upon in his place, since leaving someone who you know wants you dead to watch your back is just stupid. He immediately initiates the creation of the Ouken, meaning that when Ichigo gets there he goes into a borderline catotonic state. Lelouch uses this opportunity to blow Ichigo's head off, then goes on to kill god. And that's ignoring the fact that Lelouch's willingness to just shoot his enemies, and look after his allies would mean that he probably would have killed Ichigo the moment he finished off Isshin in the first place.

But even if Ichigo grows a spine and goes into unstoppable rage, even if we accept that as a possibility {which given Ichigo's blatant incompetence in regards to sucking it up and fighting in recent chapters seems unlikely to say the least.} Lelouch would simply retreat, using his instant teleportation, master his powers the old fashioned way, and curb stomp god, leaving Ichigo as little more than a speed bump.

The reason for this is that **Lelouch is competent! **There are all of three enemies he would not shoot dead on the spot if it became necessary, and even then he'd work up the will eventually.

So yeah, Aizen sucks at life.


	12. This is what we call Plan B

**Chapter 12:**

"So Ichigo Kurosaki." said Aizen smugly as he stood within the ruins of the building he'd just thrown his chief subordinate through. "I see you have arrived at last. That's good."

Ichigo looked over his new form. "...Wait a minute is that really your one winged angel form? It's a freaking butterfly."

"Oh be silent." said Aizen casually "I've spent hundreds of years working towards achieving godhood, I'll come up with a better outfit after I kill you. But do not worry, there will be no need to-"

_Blam!_

The shot echoed throughout Karakura town, and Ichigo blinked in surprise as Aizen flinched and fell over stone dead, to land in the rubble face first. Behind him was Arisawa Tatsuki, holding what appeared to be an ordinary revolver, and looking rather surprised herself.

"...What the fuck." said Ichigo after a moment of shocked silence.

"I know right." said Tatsuki, nonchalantly tossing the gun to one side. "When that white haired guy said this gun would kill him I honestly didn't think it would work. I mean Mizuiro hit him with a molotov cocktail and it didn't even slow him down."

"What white haired guy?" asked Ichigo "Gin is-" He turned round to see that Gin Ichimaru was standing up somewhat painfully, his arm regenerating. "Wait a minute your alive?!"

"Of course I'm alive you twit." stated Gin, moving past him to pick up the revolver. "I've been planning to kill that jackass for the last hundred years, obviously I had a backup plan. I've been working on achieving super regeneration ever since I started hanging out with that arrogant jackass." He held up the revolver for them both to see. "Super dense sekki sekki rock bullets, laced with Spirit energy from every Espada and Captain." He leveled the gun, pointing it at Aizen's corpse and fired six more shots into his corpse. "Szayel would be so proud." He glanced at Tatsuki. "Nice shot kid."

"Uh, thanks I guess." said Tatsuki, flinching at the smile. "Hey Ichigo, has this guy turned good, or is he just a psychotic monster?"

"Oh come now." said Gin, sounding rather offended as he pulled out his sword. "You shouldn't judge people you've just met so harshly. I'm completely sane." His smile widened slightly. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to destroy this dead body. AHAHAHAHA!" Both Ichigo and Tatsuki descreetly walked away as Gin began hacking at the Corpse with his sword.

"Okay I guess 'psychotic monster' describes him pretty well." mused Tatsuki.

"Actually, I gotta tell ya." said Ichigo, as Gin reloaded his pistol and fired six more rounds into the corpse. "What he's doing seems more like a reasonable precaution than anything else."

"What are you talking about?" Tatsuki asked incredulously.

"Look it's all well and good for you to find this abhorrant, but you didn't just have to listen to six hours worth of speeches on how much of a chessmaster the guy you just shot was." said Ichigo, while Gin had started to make use of various high level Kido spells in the background. "Besides Aizen deserved it."

"Yeah, I guess your right." said Tatsuki in agreement. "I only saw the guy a few times and he was a sociopathic monster who went around killing people for no good reason."

"Tell me about it." said Ichigo "I think we can all agree that he was completely unsympathetic, and totally undeserving of pity, and that we can all rest easy and satisfied knowing that he is dead."

"Turn all of creation to ashes, RYUJINN JAKKA!" yelled Gin, sending forth flames from the sword in his hands.

"...Do I even want to know how he managed to make use of the Head Captains Shikai?" asked Ichigo, his eyes widening in surprise.

"The whose what know?" asked Tatsuki.

"Sorry," said Ichigo apologetically. "It's a really long story, and I don't think we have time for it here."

"Can you give me the cliff notes version at least?" she asked, sounding annoyed, while Gin laughed maniacally in the background, having started to make use of a fire axe upon the Corpse of the would-be god.

"Yeah, okay. I'll give you the short version." said Ichigo, turning the face her full on. "God is an bearucratic asshole, and Heaven fucking sucks."

...

**Authors Note:**

Well here we are with another Chapter. This one came to me quickly, and I wrote in down in less than a day.

Just to let everyone know, I'm in the midst of rewriting some of my chapters to meet my current standards.

Enjoy and review. :)


	13. Pride is overrated

**Chapter One:**

Rukia Kuchiki was not having a good day. Over the last few nights various Shinigami had been getting picked off one by one, and now her mentor, Kaien Shiba was being beaten to a pulp by a Hollow known as Metastacia after his Zanpakto had been destroyed.

"Captain Ukitake!" shouted Rukia as she landed on the branch next to the white haired Captain "Why are you just standing there? We need to go help Kaien!"

"No. We must not involve ourselves." said Ukitake firmly as Metastacia whacked Kaien with it's tentacles.

"Why not?!" asked Rukia incredulously. "You could kill that thing in about ten seconds, and he could die if we don't help him!"

"Quite possibly," admitted Ukitake as he observed his second in command being beaten against the ground. "But there are two kinds of battles-" Kaien got smashed against a nearby tree, while Rukia winced at the sound of impact. "Battles to protect life-" Whack. "And battles to protect pride. If you help him he may live, but-"

"Hado 33: Sokasui!" yelled Rukia, firing a Kido straight past Ukitake's ear which instantly obliterated the Hollow in question. Kaien fell to the ground, wincing in pain, and Ukitake gave her a look.

"Rukia! That was very rude." the Silver haired Captain said. "I was in the middle of speaking-"

"There are two kinds of battles. The kind where you die. And the kind where you survive." replied Rukia simply "So with the greatest possible respect Captain, shut the fuck up and call a medical sqaud."

"...Fine." said Ukitake in irritation, before flash stepping away.

"Oh my god, what happened." said Kaien as he pulled himself up painfully.

"Well you got beaten to a pulp by an ordinary Hollow, and Captain Ukitake started spouting philosophy instead of helping you." said Rukia in irritation.

"Not the pride speech." said Kaien in irritation as he stood up. "I'm really beginning to think that that guy has it out for me."

"Oh come on Kaien," said Rukia "That's just absurd. Ukitake may be a bit old fashioned, but would never knowingly attempt such a thing."

"Yeah, I guess your right." said Kaien "I should have more faith in-"

...

**Two Hours later:**

"So to make a long story short, operation-arrange-Kaien's-Death-so-that-he-stops-m aking-Sqaud-13-look-like-a-joke was a narrow, but resounding failure." said Ukitake in irritation as he met with his two 3rd seats, a petite orange haired girl named Kiyone Kotetsu, and a larger black haired man called Sentaro Kotsubaki.

"What?!" said Sentaro in surprise "But that Hollow was supposed to ear Zanpakto! And Kaien barely knows any Kido? How could he have beaten it!"

"Shut up Sentaro!" said Kiyone "However it happened, the fact that he was able to beat it means that Kaien Shiba isn't completely incompetant! Either way we're good!"

"Regrettably that isn't the case." said Ukitake in a depressed tone "The Hollow utterly destroyed him. The only reason he survived is because Rukia one shotted it with a Kido spell." He put his face in his hands. "If only there was a way to fire that idiot, I could put someone competant in his place. But no, Central Forty Six has to be bought and paid for by the nobility."

"Well then how are we gonna get rid of him then," said Sentaro "We can't just ditch him while he's fighting another Hollow. That would look suspicious."

"Don't worry Ukitake!" said Kiyone enthusiastically "Just give the word and I'll stab him to death! His blood shall stain the ground as fitting testament to those who dare to keep the position of Lieutenant from those who actually deserve it! Justice shall be dealt to the guilty! A cleansing fire shall burn them!"

Ukitake gave her a flat look. "That's actually part of the problem. If someone does go and murder someone of Kaiens directly and gets caught whoever it is is likely to be obliterated from existance by Sogyoku-" he stopped. "I've got an idea."

...

"Good news Captain Aizen." said Lieutenant Gin as he walked into the barracks. "Ukitake just requested I take out Kaien Shiba, and he's offering a hefty commision. Now we'll be able to buy that pool table you wanted for the Sqaud!"

"That's great." said Aizen, looking up from his paperwork. "Just make sure you don't make any unnecassary mess." he tossed him a memory modifier. "Use this to replace any witnesses memories."

"But I thought these things didn't work on Soul Reapers." said Gin.

"This one is supposed to. Sort of." said Aizen "I haven't been able to test it fully yet, so I'm still working out the glitches. There are some side effects which cause people to have illogical feelings of guilt, and any memories that are changed will likely make said person feel responsible for pretty much anything bad that happens."

"Wow really." said Gin brightly. "So not only do I get to murder someone in cold blood without consequence, I also get to emotionally break any witnesses? This is a great day!"

"...Sure, why not, have fun with that." said Aizen with a shrug, before Gin moved away with a skip in his step. "There really is something dreadfully wrong with that boy. I think I'd better switch him out with a slightly less psychotic Lieutenant at the next opportunity."

...

**One Assasination later: Sqaud 6 Barracks**

"Yeah no." said Byakuya Kuchiki to the Captain of the 13th Sqaud. "I refuse to let Rukia become your Lieutenant. Now if there is nothing else I have many duties to deal with."

"I implore you to reconsider." said Ukitake.

"No."

"Why not?" asked Ukitake "She's more than qualified for the position."

"I am well aware. She is overqualified." shot back Byakuya "The 13th Squad is well documented as by far the least combat effective of the Sqauds, and gaining the rank of Lieutenant will force her to remain within that Sqaud until such a time as she qualifies for the position of Captain." asked Byakuya, stony faced as always "And frankly I don't want my sister getting killed while her Captain abstains from battle over semantics."

"...That's unusually blunt of you."

"I felt it appropriate, given the fate of your last Lieutenant." said Byakuya "See yourself out."

...

**One Hour Later: Back in the Thirteenth Division**

"So Kuchiki refuses to let her become Lieutenant?" asked Kiyone incredulously. "That's mean of him."

"I am well aware." stated Ukitake with a sigh. "Still, I may eventually manage to convince him otherwise. For now I'll just keep the position open, and have you two fill in."

"Don't worry Captain!" said Kiyone "I'm sure I'll be able to deal with this for you all on my own! Because I'm your most loyal subordinate!"

"Silence fool!" shouted her partner "Everyone knows that **I **am Captain Ukitake's most Loyal Subordinate! And there is nothing you can do about it!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"I'll beat you to a pulp and prove that I'm his most loyal subordinate!"

This was going be a long wait, reflected Ukitake as the argument continued endlessly in the background. "I'm surrounded by idiots." he said sadly.

...

**Authors Note:**

Well this episode was a bit darker than the others. I had originally intended to just end it with Rukia blasting the Hollow, but then I thought to myself, 'hey, if Kaien is a Lieutenant then how could he get his ass handed to him by an ordinary Hollow', Zanpakto or no.

The conclusion I came up with was that Kaien Shiba really sucked at fighting. So I thought I'd try something new.


	14. If at first you don't succeed

**Bleach Logical Edition:**

**If at first you don't succeed:**

Ichigo rushed forward across the sands of Hueco Mundo, his orange hair flying behind him as he clutched his sword in one hand as he headed towards a great tower in the distance, where Orihime Inoue needed rescuing. After all, he was the hero, and god forbid anyone else get screen time.

"Hey Ichigo!" came Rukia, voice, and he looked down to see her fighting Hollows.

"Oh hey Rukia!" he said to her, briefly halting his progress to watch her and her friends fight. "I was just on my way to rescue Orihime from the 4th Espada."

"Really?" said Rukia as she was shoved back towards the edge of a cliff by the head of the Calavares. "Well I don't suppose you could slow down, and help us." She shoved the leader back from their blade lock.

"Well ordinarily I would, buuut then again after that big speech you made about 'believing in my friends power'" Ichigo trailed off. "I'm sure you can handle it."

Rukia ducked under a near miss that almost beheaded her, and slashed at her opponents leg, only for them to jump away with ease. "Actually I think I could use a hand."

"Your doing great!" said Ichigo with a shrug, as Rukia stopped to deflect an attack from a large group of Calavares.

"Oh come one!" shouted Rukia in frustration, as she was driven back by an army of enemies. "You could one hit KO all of these guys in about ten seconds!"

"Well yeah," admitted Ichigo, not making any move to help "I could. But I've got to go fight my archenemy, and I need all my power for that."

"What?!" said Rukia, sending an Ice wave out to knock away the clones, just in time to block another attempt to behead her. "But you already beat Grimmjow!"

"No, no, you see Grimmjow is just some guy who beat me up twice for no reason." Ichigo said "Ulquiorra is the one who kidnapped Orihime."

"Wait Ulquiorra?!" asked Rukia incredulously, as she leapt back and fired a Kido that blasted her enemy back, but did not kill him. "You mean that guy who completely destroyed you like, an hour ago?!"

"Yeah." said Ichigo without concern. "I mean sure, he took an all or nothing Getsuga Tensho head on and just kind of shrugged it off, and I haven't learned any new abilities, or gained any more power since then, but I'm sure things will turn out very **differant** this time! Anyway, I gotta go, bye!" And with that he began flying upwards."

"Wait a minute, Ichigo!" shouted Rukia in frustration. "We've got four Captains up here! Why not just get them to help?!"

"Oh come one, Rukia?!" said Ichigo "Like anyone cares about Unohana or Byakuya." And then he was gone.

Rukia stared upwards for a moment in irritation, before glanced to where the Head of the Calavares had paused to look up. "...Your friend isn't very bright, is he?" he asked after a moment.

Rukia took the opportunity to stab him in the face with her sword. "Not really, no." she admitted. "But neither are you." She tore out the blade out of his skull and going to help Chad and Renji with their own fight.

...

Meanwhile, up in the tower of Los Noches, Orihime and Ulquiorra were in the midst of anfascinating discussion about the nature of emotions, when suddenly Ichigo smashed up through the floor and landed on his feet, sword drawn and confidence in his bearing.

"Step away from Orihime!" he said with a smirk.

Ulquiorra stared at him for a moment in something akin to indifferance, and Orihime just sighed.

"Cero." said Ulquiorra, before firing a green cero that nailed Ichigo in the chest, sending him flying through the wall into the desert, where he barely had time to stand before Ulquiorra once again kicked him in the face, sending him flying over the tower from before, which had been cut in half, before landing in the sand beyond.

Ulquiorra sonidoed back to where Orihime was. "My apologies. Now where were we?" he asked, as he turned back to her. "Something about the nature of the Soul?"

"...You know," said Orihime after a moment "maybe we should sit down if we're going to discuss philosophy. I mean, it's a pretty complicated subject."

"I'll make some tea."

...

Rukia glanced over in mild amusement to where Ichigo had landed, utterly defeated in the sand a few moments later. "So Ichigo, how did that fight with Ulquiorra work out for you?"

"Shut up..." he said painfully.

"Yeah Ichigo," said Renji "good thing you didn't do something stupid like go and pick a fight with someone who kicked your ass at full power without even drawing a sword."

"What, you mean like your whole Career as a Shinigami?" asked Chad behind him.

"Oh like your any more successful!" said Renji angrily.

"One," said Chad raising his hand. "your a Lieutenant whose whole job is about killing powerful Hollows. I'm a fifteen year old High School who does this stuff as part time job for Urahara."

"Your getting paid for this?" asked Ichigo painfully. "Why the hell aren't I?"

"Because you never ask the right questions."

...

**Authors Note:**

Well I'm back, with a Christmas gift for you all. This one is kind of a triple whammy, actually. And yes, we're back at this arc again. I'm sorry, but everytime I think about it I think of another thing that's stupid about it.

WARNING: AUTHOR RANT AHEAD

You know, Ichigo's absurd power growth is my least favorite thing about Bleach, by far. It basically exists solely to make Ichigo strong enough to beat the main villain, even when Ichigo has no business even being involved in the conflict at hand, or for that matter **winning the fight!**

Look, I could buy Ichigo's win in the Soul Society Arc, because the Soul Reaper's hadn't faced any major challenged in hundreds of years, and had gotten sloppy, while Ichigo had been training hard. Byakuya's heart wasn't fully in the fight anyway, and he **still could have won**.

The reason I could put up with it was because Ichigo tried to avoid killing people who were only doing their job, remained focused on rescuing Rukia, and earned his power. The Houco Mundo Arc is the exact opposite. Ichigo constantly makes stupid decisions that almost get his friends killed over and over without any regard for the consequences.

Moreover, he just stops being a sympathetic character. Let's look at the two fighters stated motivations, shall we?

Ichigo: Wants to 'save' Orihime, even though he has outright stated he came to Houco Mundo to beat up Aizen Grimmjow, and Ulquiorra. The second motivation is not the kind of objective any hero should have, since Heroes try to protect the innocent, not punish the guilty.

Ulquiorra: Following orders, will not release Orihime, but will not kill her without being given specific orders. Depending on fan interpretation may disobey said order.

In other words, Ichigo has absolutely **no reason to fight Ulquiorra!** The entire fight is pointless, because all Ichigo has to do is kill off Aizen, and Ulquiorra no longer has any reason to hold Orihime. Moreover, **they can't leave Houco Mundo!** As far as Ichigo knows, he's stuck there. At the end of the day, Ichigo is trying to murder someone who is just doing their job just to appease his own ego.

Also, people give Ulquiorra crap for blocking Ichigo's Getsuga Tensho that he fired at Menoly, but think about it. That Getsuga was going to **hit Orihime!** Ulquiorra saved her life right there! Keep in mind that Ulquiorra has only met Ichigo a few times, and in all of those he has demonstrated himself to be childish, fickle, with a tendency to kill on a whim! From Ulquiorra's perspective Ichigo is trying to murder Orihime, just for becoming a hostage.

And you know what. He's absolutely right in that assessment. Ichigo is the greatest threat to Orihime in all of Los Noches. Any time she is injured, she is injured because Yammy can be commanded, and easily beaten down. If Orihime had fought back, she could have probably killed Loly and Menoly.

Orihime's life is put in danger multiple times thanks to Ichigo's childish obsessions with being the big hero, dangers that never would have happened if he'd just helped his friends in the desert.

And at the end of the fight, what is accomplished, exactly? Ulquiorra is dead, Uryu is maimed, and Orihime is stuck healing him of wounds inflicted **BY ICHIGO** on the roof of Los Noches, where any Vasto Lorde with the ability to hide reitsu could make an easy snack of both of them. And what is Ichigo's reaction?

"Oh, I didn't want to win like this."

That's right. Even after his actions have **killed a man,** and maimed Ichigo's best friend, all he can think about is how it effects him personally, and how his big rivalry {which didn't exist} didn't pan out how he wanted it to.

And worst of all, it's all for nothing. If Ichigo has just stayed down in the sands and twiddled his thumbs for an hour, the Arc would have had the **exact same conclusion, with less wangst!**

Dear Lord the Fake Karakura town arc sucks! Every time I think I'm done with it I find a dozen new things that make me rage with it. At least the Bount Arc had a variety of differant locations, and touched on some elements of the plot which were interesting, even if nothing came of it.

Also, I'm planning to post a pole soon to get opinion's on what kind of new Bleach Fic I should write. Look for it. :)

Please review.


	15. The Vandenreich arc Dear god

**Chapter One:**

A great meeting was called amongst the Vandenreich Quincies by his Highness Ywatch, or Ju Bach, or whatever stupid name he was using today. For his part Uryu Ishida didn't care much, observing as he was declared the second in command of the Vandenreich as part of some idiotic gambit which he cared even less about.

Some moron with an mohawk was objecting now, but his personality was so dull and uninteresting that Uryu couldn't be bothered to remember his name.

"Excuse me." he said suddenly, cutting of mohawk moron mid sentence. "Not that this whole conversation about the leadership of an organization I know nothing about and was basically drafted into isn't **facinating **and all." He lied. "But before we go on, I'd like to say that I admire the soldiers of the Vandenreich's sense of loyalty."

There was a long moment of silence, in which Ywa Bachus glanced at him in bemusement.

"No seriously," continued Uryu. "I mean, you work for no pay, routinely put up with losing limbs for no reasons, and putting up with constant physical and emotional abuse."

"What was that." said Ywatch, glaring at him.

"I was just admiring the sheer level of devotion that your subordinates possess," said Uryu dryly "considering that you've made it abundantly clear that you care nothing for them..."

"Be silent Ishida!" snarled Ju Bach, but Uryu ignored him and simply walked down the steps.

"-have a tendency to murder them for failure, partial success, or just on a whim..."

"Be silent fool!" yelled Ywalkietalkie.

"-force them to live in this endless forsaken wasteland, and use the powers of Hollows and Shinigami alike..."

"This is your last Chance!" yelled Ju Baka.

"-all for the sake of avenging your fallen people who were driven to extinction by the-" He glanced around the room. "Oh wait, your all here. So I guess the Quincy **aren't **extinct, removing any concievable personal motive you might have for following a man who slices his subordinates arms off on a whim. I just find it truly admirable how you people remain loyal to a man who stole all his 'abilities' from a Filler Arc Villain with far more depth and leadership qualities than 'His Majesty' here, who prefers to flat out steal the plans from Aizen. You know, that one guy who led his men to his death and accomplished absolute zip."

"Right!" Snarled Ywhacked, drawing his sword. "That's it! Shoot him men! I'm great, he's not!"

The Quincy all drew their bows.

"1!" yelled Just Baka.

"Yes, truly you are credit's to our peoples memory." said Uryu dryly as they drew back their bows.

"2!" They charged their arrows. "3! Fire!"

And then, as if on a whim, every single member of the Vandenreich turned their bow to aim as bearded jackass, and shot him full of holes.

Uryu glanced around at them in satisfaction. "Can I say that I think you all made the right decision?"

Thus ended the threat of the Vandenreich.

...

**Meanwhile, in the Royal Dimension:**

Ichigo Kurosaki was having a bad week. First his Zanpakto had been broken, and apparently Bankai's be repaired when broken. This was bullshit. After all, Captain Soi Fon's Bankai was a Nuke, based entirely around being fired and blowing itself up, while Byakuya's shattered and reformed all the time. Not to mention how Renji's broke every five seconds, and yet remained at the same level of power, and Gin's had been based around breaking off pieces of itself.

Either way, before he could point any of this nonsense out, he had been unceremoniously dragged off to listen to a bunch of assholes who were supposed to be really powerful, but had never lifted a finger to help anyone ever.

After having to deal with their hammy, one piece bullshit and listening to what stereotype their personality subscribed to, he finally was dragged before the guy who 'made' all Zanpakto's, and hit his last straw.

"No." he said simply.

"What?" the idiot.

"I said no." Ichigo clarified. "I refuse to believe that you **made** all Zanpaktoes. I'm calling bullshit.

"Why you direspectful little brat!" yelled the man. "I ain't got time to-"

Ichigo slammed him up against the wall and started choking him. "Yes you do." he said, offhandedly backhanding the girls who served the Royal Guard, before throwing him against the floor. "You did not invent Zanpaktoes, because in order to do that you would have to have created Souls, and your too stupid and selfish to do **that!"**

"How dare-" he began, before choking as Ichigo planted one foot on his throat.

"Shut the fuck up! I'm not here because I want to listen to exposition! I'm not here because I'm interested in what you have to say! I'm sure as hell not here because I want spend time in your presence! FUCK YOU! I am done listening to this crap! I've beaten up Demi Gods and saved Soul Society Countless times! What the fuck have you done other than act like an arrogant douchebag in the **five fucking **minutes you've spent in the decimated ruins of Soul Society in the past **ten-fucking-thousand-bullshit-years**?! You assholes have been sipping Martini's while Yammamoto and the Captain's have been keeping the world **you abandoned running!" **He removed his foot and lifted the man up to eye level. "Now you are going to stand up, you are going to tell me how to repair Zangetsu straight out, or I will **personally** use your thick skull to detemine whose most suited to be the **Once and Future King of England! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!"**

"Well I think you should-" began the man.

"Yes or no will suffice." said Ichigo viciously.

"...Yes."

"Good." Said Ichigo before tossing him to the ground. "Now let's discuss my damn Bankai, **bitch!**"

...

**Meanwhile in the Soul Society:**

"Alright then Captain's of Soul Society." said Shunsui to the assembled Captains, consisting of Byakuya {who had used his clearly established mastery of Kido to kill his enemy.}, Captain Soi Fon, Unohana, and Kenpachi. Captain Ukitake was out sick {big surprise there.}, Mayuir was in the lab, and nobody really cared about the Vizards to begin with. Mostly people assumed they had been killed offscreen. "Has anyone seen Kommamura?"

"Uh, yes." said Soi Fon "He's in the middle of a lawsuit with a being from another world. One minute he's talking about speaking with his grandfather to get revenge for Yammamoto, and then the next this guy in a Dark Helmet and wearing skull armor shows up and starts accusing him of stealing his plotline and character design, and then doing them badly."

"...Oh dear." said Unohana to one side. "Do we stand much of a chance."

"Not really." admitted Soi Fon in irritation. "Much as I hate to admit it, the presecution has got a pretty good point. We're hoping to reach a settlement based around the idea that his own story barres similarities to Anykin Skywalkers, but the problem is that the general consensus is that his story is **way** better told than Episodes 1-3."

"...So basically we're going to be in debt soon." said Shunsui, before glancing at Byakuya. "I don't suppose you could bail us out of this Kuchiki?"

"I could." said Byakuya "But I'm not confident that you won't run this organization into the ground."

"Meh, you always were a pessimist." said Shunsui, before glancing at everyone else. "Now then, first order of business, Unohana and Kenpachi will fight to the death on the off chance that it might make one of them stronger."

There was a long silence, in which you could hear a pin drop. Then Unohana raised her hand. "I move for a vote of no confidence in the current Head Captain. All in favor."

"Aye!" said everyone in the room, except Shunsui.

"All against?"

"Nay." said Shunsui "And this isn't a democrasy. I sign your paychecks so-"

"I supply the money for those paychecks." said Byakuya simply. "And we need competant leadership for this place."

"Well I'm terribly sorry, Kuchiki." said Shunsui "But according to our laws, the only way for me to be ousted is to step down, or in the event of my untimely death."

Everyone in the room drew their swords instantly, and began advancing on Shunsui.

"OKAY, OKAY! BYAKUYA CAN HAVE THE JOB!" said Shunsui, throwing his hiyori on the ground and running away.

...

Ichigo's opinion of the royal guard had not improved. Now they were telling him that Zangetsu was not his Zanpakto. Which was stupid.

He entered his inner world and faced Zangetsu.

"So is it true?" he asked.

"No." said Zangetsu "It's complete bullshit."

"Oh whew!" said Ichigo in relief. "I mean, I figured that it was, but it's still a relief! I can't believe they actually tried to sell that idea that someone could steal all of his descendents power just like that? I mean, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure bloodlines don't work that way."

"They don't." said Zangetsu. "So now what?"

"I have a few ideas." mused Ichigo, before leaving his inner world.

...

"So I see you've returned. " said the Royal Guard. "Now-"

"Shut up." said Ichigo flatly. "You guys, are useless douchebags. No seriously, if you took all the worst traits of Grimmjow and Aizen, with none of the positives, and put them into a person with the fighting skills of Renji Abarai, he would still be disgusted at how douchy and useless you arrogant pieces of shit are. And now that I have my Bankai back..." he raised his sword. **"I don't need you any more."**

"...Shit." said the Royal Guardmans, right as Ichigo charged towards him and cut his head off.

One mass murdering of a bunch of useless Douchbags later, Ichigo left the Spirit realm in disgust.

Rukia was waiting for him on the other side. "So how did it go?"

"Quite well, actually." said Ichigo "I didn't learn any new abilities, but I did get to shove a blade into the Spirit King's eye socket. It's a memory I will treasure. So where are the Vandenreich? I'm pretty sure I can take them now."

"...Uh yeah." said Rukia "About that. Turns out Uryu convinced them all to kill their leader, then activated a spiritually fuel thermo nuclear bomb in their base camp on his way out. Wiped them all out in about five minutes."

"...You know, I'd complain." said Ichigo "But I gotta admit, that's pretty awesome."

...

**Authors note:**

Well here we are at the Vandenreich Arc. In other words the Bount Arc, except less original and without **any **entertaining elements.

And a cookie to anyone who gets to referance regarding Kommamura and the person whose suing him.


	16. Rukia's Thirteen

**Chapter Sixteen:**

Everyone knows that Sosuke Aizen murdered everyone in Central Forty Six. But what you might not know is that he was just part of a much bigger conspiracy. Indeed, his was merely the culmination of a far grander design, stopped by the most unlikely of individuals.

It was the plot that seemed unthinkable.

...

It began when Sosuke Aizen approached Head Captain Yammamoto with an extremely odd idea.?" asked The Head Captain.

"Yeah, that's the plan." said Aizen, who was the persueder behind the operation.

"Any reason or just for fun?" asked Yammamoto.

"Well because I'm a former Pope, and your a Catholic, and Central Forty hates Catholics." said Aizen. "They seem to think we've all got designs on godhood." Both laughed evilly.

"So what do need? Besides a miracle?"

"A particular item of great power. To be delivered to a number of moles that have been set up amongst Central Forty Six's guards. They will then pass it to the our designated agent."

"Who is the master behind this operation?" asked Yammamoto.

"Let's ask and answer questions _after_ we get rid of Central Forty Six, hmm?"

...

Rukia Kuchiki was the brains behind it.

"So I'm just supposed to pick up the Sogyoku from the guards, silence them, sneak underneath the storage rooms of Central Forty Six, and blow it all straight out of Kingdom come, and without getting caught?" asked Hitsugaya.

"Yeah, that's the plan." said Rukia. "I'd do it myself, but Captain Ukitake's sending me down to the world of the living. See, I'm primary contact for the conspiracy, so he wants me to have an alibi when the fire goes down."

"Okay, just checking to see if I had that down right." said Hitsguaya, as he made mental notes.

Just then, Aizen entered the room. "Good morning everyone. I've managed to persuede twelve of the Thirteen Captains to support the coup." he said. "Yammamoto included. That only leave out Sqaud 6. That ought to do it, wouldn't you say?"

"...Shouldn't we get Kuchiki in on it?" asked Hitsugaya, raising an eyebrow.

"Are you kidding?" said Rukia. "He'll blow the whistle on us for sure."

"Well I'm just saying, we should have someone from Sqaud Six on it." said Hitsugaya.

Rukia sighed. "Yeah, I guess your right." she opened the door and spoke to a passing red haired Lieutenant. "Hey Renji, wanna be involved in a plot to blow up Central Forty Six?!" She yelled, while the Sqaud members went about their business and didn't really care.

"Eh, sure why not." said Renji as he stopped. "I was bored anyway. When were you thinking?"

...

Renji Abarai was the _idiot_.

"Hang on," he said as he read through his Captains reports "my future brother in law is making a report to Central Forty Six on that day." He grabbed a pen. "Oh well, I guess I'll just send him a letter telling him not to show up so his clothes don't get singed. I'm sure Captain Kuchiki won't tell anyone."

.....

A few months later, Rukia Kuchiki was placed under arrest, after they found her in the world of the living.

"What letter!" she yelled in her cell at Renji. "What letter! WHAT MORON SENT A LETTER!"

Rukia Kuchiki's thirteen. Failing to execute her thanks to the intervention of five Ryoka.

...

**Authors note:**

This is my official explanation for why the only person who seems to be trying to stop Rukia Kuchiki from being rescued is the person who should logically be the only one standing down, by the way.


End file.
